- Denied feriesex close to the in-laws

It is important to talk about expectations before the holiday. When you stand there with the in-laws in your neck or bust clashed with his girlfriend, children or family, it is too late.

For even if we think we want the same for your vacation, there are many who get a surprise when you first started, according to some of those who know the couple best:

My clients often talk about the broken expectations: They look for a wonderfully relaxing holiday, but so will the one relaxing while the other will plan and have a high level of activity.

It says psychologist Andreas Løes Narum in Parweb.no.

THERAPIST: Andreas Løes Narum. Photo: Bjørn Langsem / Dagbladet Show more

The worst thing is to end up in an automated kranglemønster where no one can manage to be constructive. This goes out of the relationship and can ruin a whole vacation, not to talk about the actual relationship.

do Not sit on top of each other

Together with the family therapist Hege Staalesen Larsen in Bufetat Familievernkontoret at the Nedre Romerike, one of the many therapists who meet couples or families often only when the family is in crisis, he advises you to recognize that you have different personalities.

family therapist: Hege S. Larsen. Photo: Private Show more

It means that you also won't need to sit on top of each other or do the same thing all the time – even if it is a holiday, according to Staalesen Larsen.

– You may want to want to do something for yourself. Say your partner "I want to rafting in Sjoa", then you can answer "do it! Enjoy yourself, I begrudge you it, I find something for myself", advises she.

Familieterapeuten tells us that she recently had a man in the office who would talk about the holidays, and that he had an idea that everyone in the family had to be on all the activities.

" I challenged him on whether it is possible to think differently: It should be possible to distribute itself a bit so that everyone gets their wishes fulfilled. He thought that it was a relief to hear that it was actually possible.

Dreading

another pair, " she says, told her recently that one party gruet himself every night before spillekveld, and not dared to tell that the board was not standing at the top of the wish list.

But when they got put words on it, so "oh, yes, but it's okay". Communication with large K is the answer, " she explains.

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– One has an expectation that now should the family be together, sit at the cottage, playing board games because "the love we as a family". But then there is maybe one in the family who doesn't love board games, but feel that he or she must be with.

Staalesen Larsen emphasizes that even if you send your partner, or yourself on white-water rafting in Sjoa, it is good for you "make up" by scheduling a activities you should do together.

Or perhaps you can agree that if you get a week by the sea then you are with in a week on the mountain, so the others will? It is a good idea to find a balance between to stretch something and to refuse to be with. The most important thing must be that the partner is satisfied and that one can thrive in the holiday season.

Advice

In the summer to three of the ten of us will be at home. One of six to be in the cabin and an equally large proportion are planning a trip in the mountains with a tent, or from hut to hut in years, so the Exchange has previously written.

Familievernterapeuten has the following advice:

Talk about ferieforventningene before the holidays. What do you see? What does your partner?Take a little easy on it. You do not need to sit on top of each other for the entire holiday.Please be generous. Think: What makes your partner happy? Let he or she be allowed to do it.Maybe you can take with each of their children on each activity a day? (As long as the children also learn that they sometimes must be in the things they do not want to.)Add remedy for joint activities also, but try to meet each other in the middle.

If the vacation planning entails a painful conflict, it is fully possible with a consultation on the familievernkontoret. We can help you to think out loud, " she says.

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Andreas Løes Narum, psychologist and parterapeuten, says that in the year should also take into consideration that you may already have had a somewhat long our together, since much of the time have gone on to be at home – without the possibility to normal farting.

Now that we have been in quarantine and it finally is allowed to travel from home, it is advisable to plan your vacation so that it is successful for all involved. Everyone should get to flag their expectations for the holiday before heading off.

in-laws

you don't agree vacation is to work out, swim, paddle a kayak AND go in the mountains – or whether it is to lie and la humla suse, it is best that you try to put words on feelings and to respect differences.

– Make sure that you do not start this conversations with blame or criticism. If you say, "you must always plan every single second!", hear the partner only this as an accusation that "you are a petimeter that destroys the freedom my". It is much better to start with what you want to achieve. Say rather "I had thought it was wonderful if we could have some open days also – no plans".

SAMLIVSTERAPEUT: Bente Forest. Photo: Private Show more

Should you spend parts of the holiday with the in-laws or other family, there will be opportunities for conflicts to no end will take. Løes Narum tells him that he has had therapy sessions with couples who are almost exclusively talking about the in-laws as the source of their problems.

There were a couple where both had divorced parents and all the parents had new boyfriends. It had been a competition between these svigerforeldrene to see the kids and grandkids the most, and they demanded one evening a week each. So, this was four evenings a week booked, they had no time, it was just the logistics of getting to the next parents, " says the therapist.

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He advised them to defend the relationship her and let foreldreparene get one night a month instead of one evening a week. The problem can be transferred to the holiday, where you quickly can end up dragging on pliktbesøk here and there.

They just had to put the limit at the in-laws. They had not dared to talk with them about this in the past, but such a problem becomes a source of conflict also the couple themselves.

One way to avoid falling into the trap of, is to find an overarching goal both agree on, for example: "We both want to have it as nice as possible together. I would also like you to have it fine and I know that you want me to have it fine." If both are convinced that the partner has good intentions on a higher level, it becomes easier to agree on the details. Perhaps it is not so dangerous if you do some different things some days?

He thinks, therefore, that you may flag the expectations clear to all involved, and do it with a big smile and firm handshake. Clear how to solve this in advance, and to take responsibility for their own relationships.

– Explain that "we do this because we want to be valued as good as possible".

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"What is ideal for you when we are there and where?" Use good time in the conversation, and so it is natural that you also get to say something about what you want. And as one has managed to talk about it in a good way.

Sex can also be a source of conflict on vacation. You might think that "now is the time!", while the partner in no way have the increased desire.

– Thin hyttevegger is not turn on whether the nut'n is in the next room," says Løes Narum.

Where I think that the most romantic you can do, is to schedule sex. Instead of seeing the in-laws as the obstacle, use them to get some fristunder: "We would like to have a couple of hours on the cut alone tomorrow morning, you can be able to take the children?". And so one can have themselves on the cutting edge, advises the therapist.

little by Little

Many think however, it is difficult to talk about what needs you have, or to say to your partner what desires one has.

For them, it is difficult to just ask for a cup of tea, because they have arms and legs and may be able to obtain the tea its self. They are not used to articulate their own needs, having needs is almost shameful in the familiekulturen they come from.

In these cases, it is extra important to learn how to talk about it, the sooner, the better.

He is clearly:

– Start before the holidays!

how To fix it at 100 square Dagbladet Plus Date Of Update: 06 August 2020, 08:17